she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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