I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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