i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
