he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
