if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
soo... how was my night?
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