i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
