between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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