dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
