just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We are all done wearing pants today
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
