Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
