My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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