My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wish they made helmets for livers.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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