thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
