thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
