I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
