so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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