I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
