He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
