She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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