his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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