Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's never too late to be topless.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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