Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
