i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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