I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You ruined the universe
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
