Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
