and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
