i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
