someone threw a dead crab at me
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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