I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize