So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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