I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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