got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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