oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Sext me about skeletons
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
