I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
