that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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