Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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