I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
