I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
