tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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