i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
