Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
