Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
