I am midnight drunk by noon
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
