Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
