Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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