But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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