you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
