last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
