Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
