My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
