i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
