toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Can Purell be used as lube?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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