After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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