Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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