3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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