I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you had me at cake vodka
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
