Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the condom got lost in my hair
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
